Sanctus
by LuckyLuckyClover
Summary: Pavel Chekov thinks he's losing his mind; imagining things that simply aren't there. Hiding unhealthily in his room and shutting people out, he realises that his ghosts are in fact, quite real.
1. Chapter 1

SANCTUS

Chapter One

Pavel honestly feels a little sick when he returns to his room. She's there again. He can't see her but he can just tell she's there. He considers not going in, but something about that just seems wrong.

He enters his room and of course, he's right. She is there, and she smiles at him. Pavel just sighs heavily and half smiles back at her.

"You know you're not meant to be here," he says gently, putting his stuff down. "This isn't good for you."

She shrugs and stands up coming towards him.

"How are you feeling?" she asks, blinking her dark blue eyes softly at him.

"Worse," he answers, in all honesty. He's starting to get sick of the questions and weird looks he keeps getting. Today marks a week since his roommate moved out and everyone around him seems to be on edge a little. He doesn't blame them, he's starting to wonder the same thing himself. He knows he can't be healthy, not with the way he's going. He sits down on the kitchen bench and tells himself he needs to eat. Of course, he doesn't.

There's a knocking at the door ten minutes later and Pavel frowns at her. She looks innocently back at him as if by seeing other people he's betraying her. He hates how hypnotic her eyes are.

"Come in," he calls out.

One of Pavel's only genuine friends is on the other side of the door. Hikaru Sulu seems to be the only person who doesn't think he's crazy. Sulu smiles and passes him a small bag. Popcorn, upon closer inspection. Sulu suggests they just hang out a while and Pavel agrees, glad to have anyone other than her for company.

She seems to have disappeared while Sulu is there, Pavel can still feel that she's near but says nothing. They watch a few episodes of 'Black Apple,' some beyond crappy TV drama show that's so bad it's addictive. It's meant to be a proper drama but the acting is so bad that the two of them take it as a comedy. They laugh together and for a while, Pavel forgets what's happening around him.

The show is paused for bathroom breaks and drink refills and Pavel is alone in the kitchen. He's drinking pineapple soda, a drink he has weirdly been craving for a month now. He's thinking about the drink when he can feel cold hands on his hips and it makes him jump, touching his skin uncomfortably.

"Stop it," he says in a harsh whisper, checking the bathroom door to make sure Sulu is still inside and the door is still firmly closed. He runs a hand through his messy hair and frowns.

"You okay?" Sulu asks, exiting the bathroom and seeing Pavel looking concerned and frightened, anxious almost.

Pavel nods but they both know he is far from fine. He looks like he's about to cry and by how his hands are shaking, he might be. At least he feels like Sulu's concern is genuine, not out of obligation or anything. The CMO McCoy seems pretty genuine too. He's been looking after Pavel for a few months now and he doesn't seem freaked out by Pavel's 'condition.'

"Is she… Here?"

Pavel bites his lip, hoping he won't try and leave now. He nods, looking at the ground.

"Now?"

He nods again.

Three more episodes and some nachos later, they're on the season final and killing themselves laughing at the delayed reactions to the predictable, soppy, soap opera plot. Pavel takes another sip of his drink and smiles. Sulu has the ability to predict just about anything they're about to say and when he's right, it's the funniest thing. They're watching intently and Pavel feels a sudden pair of cold hands, around his neck this time, tightly.

His body jumps and he makes some kind of unholy high pitched sound, falling to the floor and coughing. The hands loosened as soon as they were around him but Pavel is scared out of his mind and he yells out something, he's not even sure what. 'Leave me alone,' or something probably. He can feel himself hyperventilating and he suddenly just starts sobbing. Sulu's beside him, unsure whether or not to hug him because he seems to need the air. He rubs slow circles on his back while he tries to calm down. Sulu calls McCoy and Pavel would normally protest, but he doesn't have the air to at the moment. He feels so helpless and just falls into Sulu's arms, sobbing uncontrollably.

"I just want it to stop!" He says breathlessly. "I've just had enough…"

Sulu feels sorry for him, he can't imagine how he'd deal with the same situation, he probably couldn't.

McCoy's there waving a tricorder probe across Pavel's face. He has calmed down a bit but he still feels on edge. His eyes are sore and McCoy is considering prescribing him some sleeping tablets. He probably needs them.

Not long later, Pavel is on a bed in medbay and he wishes Sulu hadn't have come over. Nothing would have happened if Pavel was alone, it never does. Things were significantly worse when Pavel had a roommate. Every day he'd get the same thing, this is the first major incident in a week.

There's about an hour of calm before Pavel feels not alone again. He can tell when she's near, the one defence he does have. He's rubbing his eyes sleepily when he looks over and sees her sitting in the previously empty chair. He looks away but he knows it won't make her disappear.

"I can't keep living like this," he says gently. She moves onto the edge of his bed, trying to get him to look her in the eyes.

She doesn't say anything. He looks up at her finally and feels weakened by her eyes. God, he loved those eyes.

"You haven't eaten enough," she mutters, walking around to where his untouched food is and passing a jelly cup to him. She knows him too well, the jelly would have been his first pick. He takes it idly and digs his spoon into it, eating purely to keep her quiet, not because he feels he needs to.

"I love you," she says gently.

He pushes another spoonful of the green jelly into his mouth, not looking up. "I know," he says quietly. "I love you too."

There's a small period of calm where Pavel is confined to medbay but left reasonably unbothered. She's pretty unobtrusive over the course of two days and he's pretty glad for it. He knows she's still around, of course, that's a given but she's just not within his sight range. McCoy feeds him a lot of jelly because it seems to be the only thing that he will eat for the time being.

Sulu visits him a lot and Pavel apologises for everything that happened but he shrugs it off. They talk together for a while but Sulu can taste his unease and leaves after not long. He decides it's best to visit a few times a day for short periods of time rather than stay for a long time once a day.

McCoy sits down on the end of Pavel's biobed and he expects some sort of intervention or a solution at best but the doctor doesn't offer anything other than a few sleeping pills. Pavel has had minimal sleep and he feels like he's bordering on the edge of a coma. Pavel feels cold once the pills are in his hand but he takes them and waits till he passes out.

Pavel is out for just over 14 hours and when he wakes up he wishes it was longer. He feels weak and he's passed a drink of water but can barely hold it. He thanks whoever the nurse is and sips it slowly, hoping that the water will help his headache. He feels groggy and needs a shower and something to eat. He's hungry for the first time in a while, which he figures is good.

Three jelly cups, two bread rolls and an orange juice later Pavel is in the shower, washing himself and feeling a little dizzy. Getting up was a bad idea but he needs the water. He leans against the wall and closes his eyes, warm but comfortable. He opens his eyes and she's there again, in front of him, just outside the shower.

He jumps a little but recovers quickly, he kind of expected this when he got in the shower, he just hoped she wouldn't be there.

"How'd you get in?" he mutters, not really expecting an answer.

"Are you trying to shut me out?" She asks, sadly. Her eyes are digging into him again.

"No, I just wanted to sleep. McCoy suggested it, it wasn't my idea. I don't know what I want anymore. I just want peace."

"So do I… But I also know you still want me around."

"Ah, don't say that," he mutters, rubbing his eyes. "I still love you so _so_ much but I want to stop hurting. I don't want to hold you back either. Neither of us can keep living like this."

She frowns at his word choice and shrugs. "It's not like either of us are really living anyway, are we?"

He shakes his head, turning the tap off and wrapping a towel around himself. He shakes some of the water out of his hair like a wet dog. She smiles a little, passing him another towel. He takes it and sits down on the small bench opposite the shower.

"What are we going to do? We don't have many options…"

"You know what our only real option is. I don't like it either, Pav. It's not like we have much of a choice."

He flinches. He has mixed feelings about her calling him Pav. She knows he adores it, it just seems inappropriate now. He swallows uncomfortably and starts drying his messy hair. He hasn't bothered to cut it and he doesn't really want to. He runs his hands through his hair a little to loosen the water and she grins at him from the other side of the bench. She slowly raises her hands towards his hair and he leans towards her so she can run her hands through it. She grins but she's missing something. Pavel closes his eyes and just tries to enjoy having his hair played with.

"It doesn't feel the same," she mutters, almost to herself. She looks at her hands then back up at Pavel.

He gives her a sad smile and leans back. He feels kind of empty and lost but he gets up and finishes drying himself anyway. He feels like McCoy will probably let him return to his room by the end of the day. Return to what is his new normal. Pavel doesn't know how long it will last but for now, he just needs to learn to live with it.

Pavel makes a weird sort of peace with her. There's a routine-like quality to it. Wake up, navigate, come back, eat in his room and not see anyone else. He gets lonely but he still has her, something he has to keep reminding himself. Things this way are better than what they were, or at least that's what he feels for the time being.

Pavel is on his way back to his room when someone stops him. It's Sulu, Pavel should have guessed. He can see how drained the Russian looks, and how pale and sad-looking he has become. Sulu suggests they hang out, or have lunch together at least. Pavel hasn't talked to anyone outside of work for over a week now and he kind of needs the company. He accepts, reluctantly and kind of hopes for the best.

There's a weird sense of coldness as Pavel goes back into his room. The temperature settings are colder than usual and he doesn't bother turning the heat back up. He feels alone and he has a feeling that he's probably going to cop it. A sad facial expression at the very least. But there's nothing, and there's no one. He bites his lip in both fearful frustration and confusion. He gets back into his normal routine of reading on the couch but it feels kind of wrong. He's too distracted to do anything so he just falls into a long and uncomfortable sleep.

The Russian feels heavy when he wakes up; like every part of him is twice its normal weight. He closes his eyes again and just stays there in the sheets, feeling warm and soft even despite the weird heaviness. He tries to push himself up but his arms promptly collapse under him. He sighs and just sits there, kind of unsure what to do. He sits quietly and tries to roll over, only making himself fall onto the floor.

Pavel's PADD is just out of reach and he drags himself towards it, having little success. He can barely lift his arms and he doesn't know if he's more confused or angry. He doesn't know what is happening to him but he feels like it's punishment for earlier. He hates being isolated and he hates feeling helpless. He inches towards his PADD and finally wraps his fingers around the icy metal. He pulls it towards him and turns it on. He uses voice command to compose a somewhat apologetic message to McCoy and hopes that he gets it soon. McCoy doesn't reply in ten minutes so he messages Sulu, having a feeling that he's making things worse for himself but not knowing what else to do.

Sulu comes in and freaks out a little when he sees the Russian on the floor. Pavel insists he's fine but realises he really isn't. Sulu helps pull him onto the couch and he frowns a little realising he has almost no ability to support his own weight.

"You didn't contact McCoy?" Sulu asks passing Pavel a glass of water. Pavel takes it but can hardly hold it and Sulu helps guide it towards his lips. Pavel feels like the biggest idiot and thanks Sulu gratefully.

"I did, he didn't reply. He might be sleeping."

Sulu nods and thinks. He needs to get Pavel to medbay but he doesn't know if he can carry him all the way there. He knows Pavel probably doesn't want a bio bed to get moved in here, the Russian in all honestly does not like being fussed over.

Sulu doesn't really need to decide what to do because McCoy comes in about a minute after Sulu has started thinking. Pavel is kind of glad to see McCoy but he hates having so many people in his room. It feels crowded with anyone other than himself in there. McCoy seems tired or stressed, maybe both. He's quieter and less sarcastic than usual. Pavel explains what has happened to McCoy. Most of the information he doesn't even know himself, he still hasn't figured out why. McCoy looks uneasily to Sulu briefly and starts testing out Pavel's arms. They're a lot weaker than even he expected but McCoy doesn't really say anything.

McCoy and Sulu carry Pavel into medbay and the Russian feels humiliated and stupid. He has to hold back tears at one stage because he feels so pathetic. Sulu smiles at him reassuringly when he's sitting on the biobed waiting for McCoy to come back with a hypo and some kind of medicine he thinks will work. Pavel's whole body feels gelatinous and the hypo doesn't take affect for a solid ten minutes. He gains feeling slowly back into his legs and rolls his ankles around in circles.

When Pavel has regained full mobility McCoy asks Sulu to leave so he and Pavel can talk. Pavel's stomach tightens. He knows that whatever McCoy has to say probably won't be a good thing. McCoy swallows as Sulu leaves and he draws the curtains, pulling up a chair beside the biobed and biting his lip before saying anything.

"I'm gonna cut to the chase. I have to register you emotionally unfit for duty. Effective immediately."

Pavel's mouth drops open and he shakes his head a little lost for words. "But… Please, you can't…"

McCoy's deep brown eyes bare into Chekov a little. He knows the doctor is serious.

"Chekov, you still haven't… Recovered." He is choosing his words carefully but they still hurt. "We think you need to see someone because what you're going through is a sign of trauma. You know, making up people is physically making you sick, it's-"

McCoy is cut off before he can finish. "Making up?" He stammers, "You think I'm making this up?! You think I want to be like this? You think this is a choice! I'm not crazy Leonard, she's there, I'm 100% certain of it. I don't know why, but she is."

McCoy sighs sadly. He wants to believe him, but he can't.

"I'm not crazy," Pavel repeats silently, partly to himself. "I'm not making anything up."

There's a short period of silence and McCoy nods a little. He doesn't know how to treat Pavel, partially because he doesn't want to make him worse and partially because Pavel is his friend. He remembers their first conversation, he was shocked by the Russian's age. Pavel seems more mature since then, a lot has happened to him.

"I know you're there," Pavel says, a slight hint of irritation in his voice. He looks in his bedroom but finds her in the kitchen, sitting at the bench and looking at him. "I hope you're happy, the doctor registered me unfit for duty. I can't work." His hands go up in the air dramatically as he speaks and he has to take a few seconds to calm down before he takes the seat beside her. He replicates a glass of water and drinks it slowly, hoping it will clear his head a little.

"Why are you doing this to me? All I did was have lunch with a friend…"

She looks up at him, sadly, as if there's something he isn't understanding that is otherwise blatantly obvious.

Pavel sighs. "I get that I'm all you have left," he says, his voice softening. "But I can't live like this or I'm going to go mad. Maybe I am already going mad." She can see the pain in his eyes as he looks away and brushes some of his curls from his face. He feels like collapsing onto his bed and falling asleep again but he knows he won't, and he knows he can't.

For a solid thirty four- hours, Pavel stays awake. He's anxious, and he has things to sort out. His body aches a little. He tells himself he'll have a shower soon, but soon never really comes. He still has her in the room with him but he has never felt so lonely. He frowns, and tells himself he'll be okay. He feels like it's a lie.

McCoy checks in on Pavel and scolds him for not sleeping. He passes him a dissolvable tablet thing to stick on his tongue but Pavel just puts it on the bench and leaves it there while the doctor continues his examination. He rattles off a list of things wrong with Pavel and he only half listens. McCoy mutters something about him being justified in taking Pavel off the bridge and that angers him a lot more than he cares to admit. He clenches his fist and bites his lip, feeling the full weight of his exhaustion, transferring itself into frustration. He's more than just physically exhausted at this stage. He has hit a crossroad in a sense, in his own mind. The one place he used to feel safe, but not anymore. His sanctuary has been penetrated with doubt and poisoned with anxiety. He is no longer king in his own mental palace; a blackness is.

Blackness takes over Pavel in the form of passing out. He thinks he remembers taking tablets, he isn't sure. He just remembers stumbling into bed and waking up without any feeling in his left arm. He has slept on it and it slowly regains feeling as his regrets ever getting himself into this mess. He flexes his wrist slowly and just stares at the funny patters his face has made on his arm. He feels empty again and equally as exhausted.

She is in Pavel's kitchen again when he gets out of the shower and he isn't even remotely phased at this point. There's a silent acknowledgment between them now. They both just accept that they're there. Pavel has the urge to stage some kind of intervention and take his life back but he lacks both the energy and will power. She can sense this too, but she doesn't want change.

It takes another two days but the intervention does come in the form of Pavel breaking down finally and him sobbing alone into the pillow, begging her to change things. He didn't originally plan his intervention that way. In his mind it was going to be a slow 'sitting down and talking it through' kind of approach but that simply didn't happen. He manages to dry his eyes and steady his voice a little before taking.

"You know that we can't keep living like this."

She nods.

"I think we need to let go." There's a pause. "We need one more night together, then I think it's time."

He expects an outrage. It never comes.

She nods again, because as much as she hates it, she knows it's the right thing. He smiles a tiny bit, glad that things will change, but frightened of anything actually happening.

(A/N)

Thank you for reading my new piece. I hope you enjoy it. Please review or followif you like it so far.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Their final night together is precious, and it's something Pavel knows he'll treasure. They looks through photos together and for the first time in a while, they laugh. It's easy, something Pavel always remembered it as. They get all nostalgic and they both wish that all their nights had been more like this. Pavel's half tempted to call everything off. He knows nothing would stay like this if he did but he can't help but dream.

The night draws to an end and they curled up in bed together; a little sleepy and a little over excited. They embrace for the first time since everything happened and Pavel can feel her skin. It's just as he remembered it and it makes his eyes tear up from either happiness or sadness, he isn't sure which. He holds her tightly and cries gently in her shoulder. She's teary too and they both pray that the night will stay forever. It doesn't.

Morning is harsh and the artificial lighting feels acid against their skin. They're a mess in the moment, an entanglement of limbs and blankets. They're comfortable, and warm. That's all that seems to matter. He opens his eyes reluctantly and looks at her. He brushes her hair from her closed eyes and smiles. He places a kiss on her forehead and her eyes flutter open.

"It's time," she mutters, sleepily.

"Five more minutes," he laughs, rolling on top of her and placing kisses down her neck. She feels real again and Pavel swears he never wants to leave this bed. She pulls him down for more kisses and they're both kinda smiling and laughing. It's so freakishly similar to how it used to be. Her hands are all over his back and he feels alive again.

Ten minutes pass, then another ten, and another ten. They're still in bed lying together, sometimes kissing, sometimes not. Pavel knows it's time and his eyes are already red and teary.

"You ready?" she asks. It's a pretty stupid question as far as questions go. Pavel shakes his head and bits his lip to stop it from quivering.

"It's like losing you all over again."

He presses his forehead against her and sniffles, letting his tears fall to the floor rather than wiping them. She takes his hands and squeezes them. Her eyes are watering too. He puts one hand around her waist and the other in her hand.

"One last dance?" He asks softly. She nods.

For a few minutes, Pavel is floating. He's crying but more so from happiness. His eyes are fixated on her and her gentle smile. They're kind of awkward and trip a little over one another but they laugh it off and Pavel twirls her under his arm. He holds her as tightly as he can and places a gently kiss on her neck. The last time they danced like this was the night Pavel proposed. They planned to dance like this again once they tied the knot. It never happened.

The song finishes and Pavel pulls her in for one last kiss. He can taste her again and her arms are digging through the hair on the back of his neck. He presses his lips tightly against her and he can feel her fading.

"I love you Pasha."

"I will never forget you. You will always be in my heart. I love you so much…"

She smiles at him and takes his hands. "I'll see you again someday."

"Someday."

With that, she fades. A smile painted on tear-stained face. She's happy, and she's at peace. Pavel sinks to the floor slowly, feeling sore but content. He knows they did the right thing, she's finally at peace, where she's meant to be. He lies on the floor for a while. He lets himself remember everything that happened. He lets himself mourn, something he thinks he should have done. Losing her killed him too, now he feels he's on a path somewhere better.

McCoy seems a little surprised to see Pavel out of his room and in the rec room. He's just doing a puzzle with one of the younger ship members, a young boy just turning seven. He's from Ukraine and Pavel can't always understand him, but it reminds him of a younger version of himself.

"Chekov?" McCoy asks.

He looks up and then says something quietly to the young Ukrainian boy. He comes over, somewhat unsure of what to say. There's so much to say. Whether McCoy will believe it is another thing entirely. He considers the possibility that no one will ever believe him. That he'll still be considered 'the ghost guy' for years to come. Ironically, the word haunts him. Ghost. She was more than a ghost, but there's no other accurate description.

"Did something happen?" McCoy asks.

Pavel nods, confirming his suspicion. "We have a lot to talk about."

It takes Pavel a lot longer than he anticipated to tell McCoy everything that happened. He starts from the start, not from the previous night. He goes way back to how they met, how they spent their time together, and how everything fell into place. He goes into detail into the lead up and he pauses before he finally says how he lost her. He gets a little teary at one stage. He hasn't thought about the time when he found her, the way her body looked; unholy noise of disbelief that escaped his lips. He thinks he remembers screaming her name. He hasn't used it since.

McCoy was in medbay when her body had come through. There was a cloth over her, partially out of respect and partially not to scare everyone else. Pavel was outside sobbing, being held by Sulu. McCoy remembers passing Sulu a box of tissues for the crying Russian in his arms. He remembers wishing he could heal the Russian, give him something other than sleep medication. There really isn't a medical solution for a broken heart, he figures.

Pavel finishes his story and gently ends with them dancing. McCoy doesn't know what's going on in Pavel's head, but he feels like he has sorted a few things out. Pavel agrees to therapy, something he wouldn't do until know. A sign he is healing, perhaps. McCoy lets him return to work by the end of the week and Pavel is grateful for it. He feels like being back navigating will help him and keep his mind off things.

Sulu is more than surprised to see Pavel at his door. He lets him in, asking him gently if he's okay. Surprisingly, Pavel nods. He's not sure how to explain everything again and he just starts in the only place he thinks he can;

"She's gone now."

They sit down.

"As in, permanently or?"

Pavel shudders a little at the word. He doesn't like the idea that he won't see her again, even in the circumstances he was used to. He nods, however and swallows. Sulu's eyes widen a little. He isn't entirely sure what to say.

"Is that… a good thing?"

There's another silence. "I don't know. It hurts again but I feel like I can heal now. I just… I miss her."

"You really loved her," Sulu says quietly.

Pavel nods, rolling his use of the past tense over and over in head. He did really love her, and he still does. He feels kind of empty and Sulu places his hand on the Russian's shoulder. Pavel sighs and smiles in a small thank you.

Pavel starts his story from the start again. Sulu was with Pavel when he heard, they were in rec room eight, doing very little. He had a bad feeling that morning and he ignored it, assuming it was just him being nervous for an upcoming away mission. He remembers hearing something about an accident in engineering, and he doesn't remember anything anyone said after that, he just remembers running. He sprinted through the corridors of the Enterprise, feeling like he too was moving at warp speed. Sulu was following him; hoping for the best, fearing the worst.

The time after just went in stages to Pavel.

Shock

Numbness

Disbelief

Anger

Sadness

Mourning

Silence

The stages after that were messy, not the clear very defined emotions he had been experiencing. He assumes they were mainly different forms of sadness, but he's not entirely sure. McCoy pointed out that his emotions followed the pattern of a normal reaction to grief but Pavel disagrees a little. He feels something stronger than grief, and he feels like McCoy just doesn't understand.

Pavel takes a break in his story to recollect himself. He doesn't like talking about this, but he knows he needs to. He continues, starting with the time he first saw her after she had died. She was lying on the floor, mangled. He ran over to her, brushing the hair from her eyes, cradling her limp body. She looked at him and smiled softy.

"Pasha," she whispered.

Then, she was gone .

Some told Pavel he screamed, he's still not entirely sure. He thinks he remembers getting pulled away from her. He thinks Sulu held him. He thinks he remembers falling towards the floor. There's a lot he's still unsure of, some of which, he figures, he doesn't want to know.

Sulu listens intently while Pavel runs over everything that happened after she dies from the time he first saw her. He tells Sulu about the sympathy people would always give him. He hated it, it would just remind him of his loss all over again. He tell Sulu about the therapy he refused to have, he tells him about refusing to use her name again. He doesn't know why and it seems like a weird concept, but Sulu just kind of gets it. Pavel tells himself he'll say her name one day again.

The first time Pavel saw her again was in a dream. She was dancing with him, or at least trying to. Pavel still has mixed feeling about the dream. It was more like a hallucination, he had control, he had a lot of free movement and he could touch as well, something he's never done in a dream before. She said she loved him. He cried. She said she wasn't gone. He didn't believe her. His logical and scientific mind wouldn't let him. But she wasn't gone and he found that out the hard way.

She was in his kitchen when he saw her first. He was cleaning and he got a little OCD in the month after she died. He cleaned a lot purely to keep himself busy. He thought he imagined it so he looked away. When he looked back again she was still there. He rubbed his eyes a little.

"Pasha?"

He swore after that and left his room.

He admitted himself to medbay. He told McCoy he thought he was having stress induced hallucinations and McCoy wasn't really as surprised as he should have been. He was honestly waiting for the Russian to crack. He gave him some medication but when Pavel returned to his room she was still there.

"Pasha?"

"What is happening to me….?"

"I told you I wasn't gone."

He started crying then. Partially out of fear, partially out of confusion and loss. He thinks he said something along the lines of 'this can't be real.' He didn't know how he felt after that. He was frightened but ecstatic to have her back.

Simply overloaded with emotion.

He has to stop for a while and collect his thoughts. Sulu gets him a drink and they sit in silence for a while. Pavel doesn't know why he gets so emotional. It's just the one topic that triggers him.

"I never considered her a ghost until now."

"What did you consider her?" Sulu realises he has a slight therapist tinge to his voice and he hopes it comes off as supportive rather than intrusive.

"My fiancé still. My partner, lover, whatever you want to call it. She was always just her, even if she was a ghost. I never saw her as otherwise."

Sulu nods and feels kinda sorry for his friend. They were meant to be getting married in a few weeks' time from now. Sulu was going to be the best man for the wedding and he saw how excited Pavel was about it. He'd get all excited when someone asked him about it and he'd always update Sulu on any details they'd decided.

"Do you think I'll ever recover?"

It's a sudden question but Sulu feels it's a valid one.

"You will," Sulu says, and he means it. Pavel nods. He hopes he's right.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

McCoy calls Pavel down to medbay because he has something important to tell him. Pavel has no idea what and feels like it'll be a sarcastic reminder he's three weeks late for a physical or something. As soon as Pavel's in medbay he figures it's not. McCoy has that blank expression of seriousness on his face and it makes the Russian a little nervous.

"I believe you now." He says.

Pavel tilts his head a little in confusion. He has a few questions about that statement but McCoy waves him into his office rather than answering anything.

"I got a message this morning."

"From whom?"

"Her." McCoy knows that using her name will make Pavel uncomfortable but his words are no less confusing either way.

"What did she say?"

"I don't know how you're going to react to this Pavel and it's not a decision you need to make anytime soon. Just… I'm sorry I doubted you. Her PADD was decommissioned but it was definitely her signature she put with it. It must have been really hard not having your doctor on your side."

"What did she say?" He's more adamant this time and a lot less patient. He can feel his skin itch and McCoy sighs.

"She… She had her eggs frozen. Not long after she met you. She said she was worried something would happen so she made preparations. If you want to have her child Pavel, you can. But you don't need to make this decision anytime soon. It's a lot to think about. I'm sorry to spring this on you but, you know. I felt like you need to be told."

He nods, unable to do much else. He doesn't know how to feel and he feels a little sick with nerves. Would he be disrespecting her if he said no? He looks up at McCoy, a little dazed.

"Yes. I want to. Soon, as soon as we can."

"Woah, you're not even going to think about this? This is a big thing Pavel, raising a child on your own is-"

"Hard? Yes, I know. I don't hide from challenges Leonard. You know this. I want her baby, I want our baby. I want a living piece of her with me forever."

"It's not that easy Pavel. I have a daughter and it's been so hard after my wife and I split. "

"Well I can't split with my partner, can I?" Pavel feels bad for snapping as soon as does and he sighs and leans back in his chair, rubbing his hand across his face. "I shouldn't have snapped. I'm really sorry. This is just a lot but I know what I want. I want her child, regardless of what it'll cost me. Kick me from Starfleet if you have to, I don't care. I just want this kid."

McCoy knows Pavel, he's never been this adamant about something. The Russian has no limit to his determination. McCoy nods and passes Pavel his PADD. He reads the message and gets a little teary.

 _"Look after Pavel for me, I know this child is what he'll want. Please tell him that he'll be a great father."_

Pavel wipes the tears forming in his eyes and smiles, nodding. "This is what I want. This is what I need."

McCoy nods. "Okay."

Pavel has the choice between a hypo where he really doesn't want it and the traditional method with a cup and his hand. His face flushes a little when McCoy asks him. He chooses against the hypo, not really wanting McCoy to administer it. The doctor doesn't judge his choice, just handing him a cup and nodding. Pavel feels a lot more nervous and awkward than he expected to but he keeps telling himself he is, in the long run, doing the right thing.

One of the greatest advancements in medical technology included the ability to make babies without an actual woman. A synthetic womb, in a sense. It has a more scientific name that Pavel heard once but doesn't remember. He feels kind of weird that his baby is growing inside a machine instead of inside the woman he loved but he tries not to think about it too much. McCoy tells him it will take nine months as any normal pregnancy would and Pavel just nods, gently touching the machine. He's touching his child and he knows it's nothing more than a bunch of cells at the moment but he's excited and nervous as if it were still from his would-have-been wife.

Sulu seems surprised to see Pavel. He's not used to the Russian's new found freedom if that's what he can call it. Pavel doesn't even know how to tell him so he just kind of awkwardly blurts out that he's having a baby and Sulu's a little confused.

"You're pregnant?" Sulu asks, mildly confused.

"Yes! Wait, no. Not me, I'm not pregnant but McCoy, he got a message from her this morning. She froze her eggs and McCoy said I could use them and have a child."

"Wait so you've already agreed? You haven't thought about it or?"

"Yeah, it has already started incubating."

"Pavel you should have thought about this more. I think this is a great thing to happen to you, but it's a very large life decision."

"You still baby me, Hikaru," He says, a slight hint of a smile on his face.

"Hey, I've known you since you were fourteen. I'm always going to feel a little protective over you. What are you gonna do if you meet someone else?"

Pavel stops and Sulu knows he's crossed a line. He doesn't say anything and Sulu quickly apologises. Pavel dismisses it but Sulu still knows the hurt is there.

"Do you think it will be a boy or a girl?" Sulu asks, changing the subject.

"I think it will be a boy, I don't know why; I just know. I hope it's a boy. I don't really understand women."

Sulu laughs. "No one understands women. Not on our planet anyway. Thought of any names?"

Pavel nods slowly. "I'm trying to remember the names she liked. We had a conversation about it but we were pretty drunk so I don't know if she was serious or not. She may have written it down somewhere."

"What names do you like?" He asks, trying to get Pavel's opinion.

"There are a few Russian names I like but the name doesn't bother me too much. I just hope they have her personality and not mine." He laughs a little at the end. He wonders if how he would deal with having a daughter who was exactly like her. He feels like it could sadden him a lot but regardless he knows he'll love his child. Sulu knows this too, even though he doesn't say it. He doesn't think he's met a more determined or loving man than Pavel. Both qualities he'll need to raise a child.

Pavel spends a lot of his free time with his child. McCoy shows him an ultrasound of the baby and asks him if he wants to know the baby's gender. He decides to leave it a surprise and McCoy shrugs. He wanted to know if Joanna would be a boy or a girl so he could prepare himself. He had a lot of reading to do about raising girls before Joanna was born. He knows Pavel's smart enough to research at least a bit before the baby comes. McCoy leaves Pavel alone with the incubator and the foetus. Pavel talks gently to his child, hoping the child will get used to his voice or something. He doesn't even know why he's talking to something that doesn't understand him but it gives him a weird peace of mind. McCoy thinks it's a little weird too but he doesn't comment.

In the lead up to the nine month mark Pavel gets more and more excited and more and more nervous. Sulu helps him set up a cot and baby proof his room. Pavel appreciates the help and feels a little less alone. He knows he'll be given a lot of help with the child, something he will need a lot of. The closer he gets to the nine month mark, the more nervous he becomes. He doubts his own abilities as parent. He's read everything he could find but it just feels insufficient. One thing he's glad he hasn't encountered is regret. He still firmly believes his decision was the right one, even if he's going to struggle.

Pavel gets a PADD message while he's sleeping and it's from McCoy. He says that the baby is ready and will probably have to be removed from the incubator within the hour. He gets up and pulls on something other than his pyjamas and walks briskly down to medbay. McCoy's there with a nurse looking over the incubator and talking quietly.

"Pavel? You're here, good, okay. Not a huge amount of babies have been born from these yet. They're recently new machines and we haven't used them. You're going to need to be patient okay? This might take a while."

The Russian nods. McCoy sets the machine up on a table and pulls on some gloves, making Pavel sit on one of the empty biobeds while they work. It's a lot more complicated than Pavel expected, there are a tonne of wires and a lot of different parts that need to be cut out or open. He expected there to be a button or something that just open the hatch almost like an oven where the baby would just come out ready to face the world. He swings his legs off the side of the bed and sighs to himself, feeling more and more nervous.

"Pavel," McCoy mutters, beckoning him over. Pavel jumps up and comes up behind the doctor.

"Is that one of your good shirts?"

"No?" Pavel says confused.

McCoy mutters 'good' under his breath and starts pulling the baby from the incubator. He pulls it out and passes it to Pavel, who takes it carefully. He breaths out a heavy sigh, a smile quickly spreading across his face. He's holding a living breathing part of him and a living breathing part of her. A little boy. His little boy.

Pavel's freakishly happy holding his baby in his arms. He's on a biobed with his legs crossed, feeding the small child. His eyes have opened and they're a beautiful shade of dark blue. Probably a little more like his than his mother's. Pavel inspects his tiny feet and his tiny hands.

"Got a name yet?" McCoy asks, grinning at the new parent and the quiet baby in his hands.

Pavel shrugs. "I think so. I don't know. What if she wouldn't have liked it?"

McCoy sits down on the edge of the bed and half smiles. "I feel like she'd be fine with whatever you name it."

"I like Reuben," he says, quietly.

"Not a Russian name?"

Pavel shrugs again. "I was thinking of naming him Ermolai, maybe. I don't know. Should I give him a Russian name?"

"She said she had Turkish heritage, didn't she?"

"Her mother was Turkish. I think I want to keep that." He pauses for a second. "He will be Ender, Ender Reuben Chekov."

McCoy smiles, "I like that. I know she would too. Don't worry yourself too much about it. You're picking a good name."

Pavel nods and looks down at Ender. His eyes are following the bottle in Pavel's hand and he places a gentle kiss on the baby's forehead.

Sulu's there to visit Pavel in the morning as soon as he finds out. Ender is so small in Pavel's arms and Sulu gently touches the baby's skin.

"He's so small," Sulu laughs, grinning at Pavel.

Pavel has a glow about him and Sulu's glad to see him so happy. Sulu convinces Pavel to show the bridge crew and they have to stop a few times before they get there. A lot of people are really happy for Pavel and a few offer to babysit if he needs it. Babies and children aren't super common on the Enterprise. The bridge crew take turns in holding the baby and congratulating Pavel. Spock doesn't hold the child but touches it gently when Uhura holds it, muttering 'fascinating' under his breath. A lot of people say the baby has Pavel's eyes and despite the fact that Ender's mother's eyes were a similar colour, they're still distinctly his. Pavel feels so grown up and it's almost a little weird to him. He never expected to be one of the first members of the bridge crew to have a child.

Ender seems to take a particular liking to Kirk. He's quiet for him and Kirk seems to like him just as much. Kirk has never expressed a particular opinion on children but he seems to be okay with Ender at least. Pavel takes Ender back and goes back to his room, a little tired for a reason he can't decide.

Ender cries a lot and Pavel finds babies a lot more difficult than he anticipated. Ender cries for no reason and Pavel just gently rocks him, hoping for the best. It doesn't work and he puts on some music, mainly to calm himself. He opts for Russian and it stops Ender crying for a little while. Pavel sighs and sits with him on the couch. He hopes he's doing an alright job as a parent and thinks about how much easier it would be with two. He wants a sign from her, just something telling him that he's doing an okay job, that he's not totally ruining his chance with this child. He runs a hand across Ender's head and realises he's a little teary. The baby reminds him of everything he wasn't able to have, or wasn't able to be. He wipes his eyes a little and falls asleep on the couch beside the cradle.

Pavel wakes up with a sore neck and a throbbing headache. Ender is still sleeping and the chance to have a good shower. He stays in there as long as he can before Ender wakes up and as much as he appreciates it, it just doesn't seem like enough. Babies are a lot more effort than he'd prepared himself for and he's doubting his capabilities as a parent. He gets out of the shower and dries himself, listening to Ender crying loudly. He picks up his son and holds him gently, glad to have someone there with him. He feeds Ender and has little idea what he's meant to do with the rest of his day. He spends a lot of time reading and studying while Ender plays. He reads to Ender for a while, figuring that Ender's too young to care that he's listening to a theoretical physics journal. Pavel wonders if he'll grow up to be in Starfleet. He wonders what will happen when he starts asking about his mother and how he's going to answer the questions. He doesn't really know anything about the future but for once, Pavel Chekov doesn't have a plan, and he finds himself oddly okay with it.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Ender grows older and starts talking. Pavel finds himself at a loss for words. Ender's first word is 'papa' and Pavel tears up when he says it. His second word is Su, a shortened version of Sulu that makes both men laugh. Sulu's married a nice man named Ben and Pavel's so happy for his friend. There's something cute about Ender and 'Su' that Pavel can't really describe. He's glad Ender has adults around him other than himself. He just wishes he had more females in his life. He has a few friends that are girls but he isn't super close with them like he is with Sulu or Scotty or anyone. Ender says 'Papa' loudly and pulls Pavel away from his thoughts. He smiles down at his son and joins him amongst a pile of blocks on the floor. He brushes his son's curly blonde hair from his eyes and smiles.

Ender's words form into sentences and more specifically questions. Ender is just as curious as Pavel was as a child, which Pavel barely thought was possible. He answers Ender's questions to the best of his abilities. They spend a lot of time looking at books and Ender spends a lot of his time working with Pavel. He asks a lot of questions on the bridge and Spock seems to be a valuable resource. He has seemingly endless patience and the in-depth answers that Ender needs. Pavel thanks Spock a lot and he brushes off the gratitude away in a weird Vulcan kind of way. Kirk lets Ender sit in the captain's chair and asks the young boy if he wants to be captain someday. Ender says no and Pavel's a little surprised until he says he wants to be a navigator just like his father. There are a few warm smiles across the bridge and Pavel swells with pride.

As time passes things seem to change but not just with Pavel and Ender. He was conscious of how Sulu and Ben were progressing but anything else just seems like a shock to him. Spock and Uhura get married, Scotty meets an engineer who loves the Enterprise just as much as he does. Kirk seems to stay with one person for more than a few weeks and one of Pavel's other friends in engineering have a baby. Another couple on the Enterprise adopt a child Ender's age and they play together in one of the rec rooms. The little girl asks Ender where his mum is and things seem to freeze up from there. Ender blinks blankly, confused by the very question and tells her he doesn't understand. Pavel tries to distract the two of them by asking is they want to see Ender's collection of xeno-crystals. For a while, Pavel thinks he's escaped the question that he really doesn't want to answer until Ender's friend leaves. He's inundated with questions and Pavel find himself overwhelmed. He tries to start some sort of explanation and finds himself breaking down. He tells Ender he's not feeling well and has a shower, trying to figure out what he's going to do. He knows he's only delaying the inevitable but he has no other solution.

McCoy seems surprised by Pavel coming to him for parenting advice but understand after realising he's the only parent that Pavel really knows. McCoy kind of realises how delicate the situation is and he knows that Ender will probably understand but what he's really worried about is how his friend is going to tell his son. He knows Pavel's strong but can be fragile when it comes to the mother of his child. McCoy doesn't really know what solutions to offer the Russian and has to think for a while before he says anything.

"I think you should tell him all about her."

"You do?"

"Show him photos, tell him stories. Make him feel close to her. I don't think she should be a secret and I think Ender deserves to know."

Pavel nods. As much as he knows that he'll struggle to talk to his son about his mother, he knows he needs to.

"Ender," Pavel calls. He's been raising his son in a mix of both English and Russian but he seems to favour English. "I've got something to show you." Ender appears and Pavel summons him over to the couch and he has a dusty book on his lap. Ender looks at it quietly but says nothing, waiting for his father to explain. "You asked me the other day about a mother and I didn't get the chance to answer you. You have a mother and you deserve to know about her."

This time Pavel keeps himself together. He tells Ender how they met. He tells him about her smile and the way she made him feel. He tells him about how funny she was and how much she loved machines and how happy Pavel was with her. He tells Ender what happened to her, in a very child-friendly version. He explains how much it hurt him to not have her around and Ender shuffles closer to his father, sensing that he's sad. Pavel has to stop for a second and wipe away a few tears. He apologises but Ender doesn't know why. He runs his hands across the dusty album and remembers the last time he opened the book when they were together. He takes his son's hand with a weak smile and places it on the cover. They open it together and the only thing Ender says is 'she's beautiful.'

Pavel lets himself cry as they go through the album. He cries when he sees the first photo they took together. A photo together in the snow at the academy. There's a moment when Ender leans on his father and just looks silently at the photos. Pavel kisses his head and for once, he doesn't feel so alone.

"What was her name?"

Pavel freezes as the question. Ender looks expectantly at his father as his lip quivers. He doesn't think he can say her name aloud but he knows he wants to.

"Ciara."

There's a silence for a while and Pavel's mouth feels dry. He misses her more than he ever has and he has to wipe his eyes every few seconds. Saying her name felt like reopening a wound he didn't know was still there.

"I wish I got to meet her," Ender says gently.

"She would have loved you with all her heart. She will always love you, wherever she is and I never want you to forget that."

Ender leans against his father again and looks up at him. "I love you papa," he says quietly.

"I love you too, Ender."

Ender seems to know how to talk to people about his mother, a lot better than Pavel does. People ask Ender where his mum is and his reply is always the same; 'Elsewhere.' Pavel thinks it's sweet but the other children he encounters just seem confused. They set up a small shrine of sorts on their bookshelf. It's a picture of her and a few candles. Ender adds his favourite xeno-crystal to the shrine and Pavel smiles because he knows that she would have appreciated it. Pavel feels like she's become a part of their life and he feels like a huge weight has been lifted off him.

As soon as Ender's a teenager, Pavel feels disconnected from his son. He knows Ender's grown up on a space ship and that he wants to settle down. Pavel doesn't want to but when they return to earth for docking and refuelling, he resigns. He's leaving what he loves the most and he cries a little as he says goodbye to the bridge crew. They're surprised that he's leaving so suddenly but support his decision. Pavel goes down to medbay to see the doctor and flings his arms around him as soon as he sees him. Pavel sniffs into the doctor's shoulder because no matter what he says, any thank you just doesn't seem like enough. It's Sulu that Pavel has the most trouble leaving. He cries a lot and Ender seems a little embarrassed to see the state his father's in. Pavel knows that he's not leaving any of his friends really but he's at the realisation that the best times of his life is coming to a close and all the amazing times he's spent are no more than memories inside his head. He stands on the transporter pad teary eyed but smiling. He says 'energise' shakily but before he can let out a sob he's standing on solid ground, back on the planet he's always called home. He smiles at Ender, trying to be a lot braver than he feels.

Moving into a house surprises Pavel at the pure foreignism of it all. He has to buy furniture and sort a lot of things out but he doesn't have the energy after being drained emotionally. Ender seems content, he goes straight to his room to set it up and Pavel feels quite alone. He misses the stars already and solid ground just doesn't suit him anymore. He tells himself he'll get used to it and he tells himself his son will be happy.

Ender is not happy and high school becomes a challenge for him. He skips two grades, something Pavel isn't surprised by. He made his son work hard on board the Enterprise and it's paid off. Seeing Ender is like looking in an old mirror. Pavel remembers what it was like being so much younger and he tries to offer Ender any support he can. School seems to stress Ender and he becomes a lot less involved in Pavel's life. He tries to be strong, partially for himself but mainly for his son. He isn't sure if he succeeds or not.

Pavel has always tried to talk to Ender and has always had a good response. As soon as he starts neglecting to tell Pavel things he starts getting worried and paranoid. He wants his son to talk to him and feel open and safe in their conversations. Pavel tries to initiate more conversation during meals but his son only gives simple, English answers even when spoken to in Russian. Pavel wants to take Ender to Russia but he seems to have little interest.

Pavel has a hard time being unemployed and not knowing what to do with his time. He's applied at a ridiculous number of places but no one seems interested. Space navigation isn't the most useful skill for anywhere other than space and Pavel feels at a loss of what to do.

Three weeks into unemployment Pavel has finished unpacking and starts listing the furniture he should be getting. He needs a shelf for the picture of his lover, somewhere a little nicer than the kitchen bench. He blows a kiss to her picture and asks that she gives him the strength to be a good parent to their son. He misses having Ender around him and he realises he probably needs to find some friends on this planet. He buys himself a guitar and figures it'll keep him entertained for a while at least.

Pavel's concerned to say the least when he gets called into Ender's school. He makes his way over there and waits quietly outside the office. Ender isn't around and he fiddles with his engagement ring, a nervous habit he finds he's almost always had. He goes into talk to the principal and Ender still isn't there, something which Pavel can't identify as either a good or bad thing.

"Is everything alright?" Pavel asks quietly, taking a seat opposite the principal. His office is well decorated with a lot of various historical artefacts. Pavel thinks they're pretty interesting but tries to keep his attention on his son.

"I find your question a little hard to answer, in all honesty. Mr Chekov, there was an incident today in class where your son…" The principal seems a little stuck on how to explain the situation and Pavel stomach is tying itself in a knot. "Ender started panicking in class and exclaiming that… That he had seen a ghost."

"A ghost?" Pavel asks, in shock. He has a feeling he knows exactly what ghost he might be seeing. He can feel his face going pale. "Is, is he alright?"

"He's with the nurse at the moment. Does your son have a history of drugs or any kind of hallucinogenic substances?"

"No, not at all," Pavel mutters, looking at the floor.

"I'll call him into the office and you can take him home. He might need some time away from school or maybe there's something else on his mind. He's spent a lot of time in outer space hasn't he?"

"His whole life," Pavel says with a weak laugh. He thanks the principal and waits quietly in the office for his son to return.

The nurse talks to Pavel for a while about what she thinks are the possible causes. She said it might be a drug of sorts but Ender denies taking anything. She suggests stress, sleeping problems or emotional problems and Pavel nods along to all of them. She suggests he tries taking something for sleep and Pavel thanks her gently, feeling like he's the one who'll need the sleep medication more than anything. He walks Ender out of the school in silence and waits a few minutes before starting the car.

"Would you like to tell me what happened?"

"No."

"I might be able to help you…?"

"No."

"Ender please don't close yourself off, I care about you and-"

"No, okay. Just leave me alone. I don't want to talk about it."

Pavel does nothing other than sigh and put his keys in the ignition. They're silent the whole way home and Pavel feels ridiculously drained. He has a lot of questions that he knows his son won't answer and they're kind of eating at him. As soon as they're home, Ender enters his room and doesn't come out. If anything, Pavel expected it but it doesn't hurt any less. He falls into an uncomfortable sleep and finds his eyes watering when he wakes up. He realises he's been crying in his sleep and sits there for a while in the dark, not sure what to do. He gets up and cooks dinner, knocking on Ender's door once it's ready.

"Ender, dinner's ready," he says, switching to Russian. He knows his son understands, whether he replies in Russian or not.

"I don't want dinner."

Pavel sighs and leans his head against the door, feeling like he's getting shut out of his son's life, not just his room. "Let me know if I can get you anything, okay?" His voice is soft and gentle but he doesn't get any kind of reply. He didn't really expect one.

For the first time in a while Pavel eats alone and he feels emptier than ever. He loves his son, a lot more than he ever thought he could. He places his dishes in the sink and wraps Ender's up to put in the fridge. He looks over at the picture of his lover and sighs, giving her a weak smile and hoping that she'd be proud of him. He goes back to his guitar and tries to teach himself more than the one chord he already knows. He's not bad at guitar considering he hasn't had it long but he's honestly just glad for something to pass the time.

(A/N)

Not going to lie, I cried writing this chapter. Hope you enjoy.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

"I got a job," Pavel smiles. It's been nearly a week since the whole ghost incident and Pavel hasn't heard anything more about it from his son. He hasn't heard much of anything from his son.

"Where at?" he asks solemnly, lacking the enthusiasm the Pavel couldn't help but hope for.

"As a maintenance worker for the shopping centre on Twelfth Ave. Not quite what I had in mind but it'll me busy for a while I guess." He shoots his son a hopeful smile that doesn't get returned and he pulls up to the school gates. "I love you," he says as Ender leaves the car.

He mutters an insincere 'you too' back to his father and leaves without looking back. Pavel sighs and remembers the son he used to have. The happiest, brightest little boy on the whole ship. Filled with love and completely unstoppable. He sighs as he drives away from the school gates.

Pavel starts working within a few days and although he's used to starships and not elevators and escalators, he picks them up quite quickly. He fixes a hand-dryer in the men's bathroom and a deep fryer from a Chinese restaurant because he still has the time and there's little else to do but finds himself distracted enough to be happy.

Ender doesn't ask how Pavel's works going and he feels a lot lonelier than he cares to admit. His job involves very little collaboration with others which he's just not used to. He misses his large extended family aboard the Enterprise and has to stop thinking about it so he doesn't start crying. He messages Sulu telling him he misses everyone and he can't help but let a few tears fall from his eyes. He goes to bed early and knocks on Ender's door to tell him goodnight. He gets a very quiet and short response but he tells himself he doesn't mind.

They're eating dinner at the table in silence when Ender suddenly starts choking on his food. Pavel's quick to his feet but the food doesn't seem to be the problem. Ender scrambles from the chair, wide-eyed and fearful of something behind Pavel. He turns around but sees nothing and Ender runs into his room before Pavel can say anything. He looks around the room and sighs, wondering if this is how Sulu felt when he was like this.

"Ender?" He asks gently.

"Go away," Ender says angrily. Pavel can tell he's crying and he sighs against the door.

"I know who you're seeing. It's her, isn't it? It's your mother."

The door opens and Ender looks breathlessly at his father. Pavel smiles at him weakly. "It happened to me too. A few weeks after I lost her. She was with me for ages as well. Just… please let me talk with you. I can help you, or I can try, at least."

Ender nods and moves so his father can enter his room. It seems like a foreign place to him almost after how they've been recently. He thinks he's been in his son's new room once and it makes him miss the times when he'd spend the whole day in Ender's room reading or playing or learning. He takes a seat in Ender's desk chair and Ender sits on the bed, rubbing tears quickly from his eyes.

"Want to tell me what happened at school?"

"I just looked up and she was outside. She was looking at me and smiling and I knew it was her. I just… Freaked out. I didn't know what to do. I think I screamed and I remember someone taking me to the nurse's office. She appeared again a few nights ago, in the middle of the night and I thought it was a dream but just then she was in the kitchen and…"

"You should talk to her."

"Talk to her? Are you crazy?"

"You're the one seeing ghosts," Pavel counters, his facial expression hardening a little. "You should talk to her. It's probably why she's back because she has something to tell you. She came back because I wasn't mourning properly. She helped me heal."

Ender just nods and sighs. "Should I go down now?"

"If you think you're ready."

Ender walks back down the stairs slowly with his father following closely behind him. Pavel can't see her and isn't entirely sure if he'd like to or not. He misses her more than ever now but he feels like he needs to support Ender which he can't do back how he was when his wife was a ghost.

"What do I say?" Ender asks shakily, stopping before he reaches the kitchen. "I don't even know what to say."

"You don't need to think about it. She's your mother, she loves you."

"But she's never even met me. She doesn't know me, what if she doesn't like me?"

Pavel places a hand on his back and walks him into the kitchen. Ender flinches when he walks into the kitchen and that's how Pavel knows she's there. He tells Ender he's alright and they sit down at the table. Ender unable to look forward.

"Do you know if she can hear me?" He asks Ender, waiting for a response from his son. He looks up and nods shakily.

"I've missed you, Ciara," he says gently, saying her name for the second time since her death. Pavel can't help but smile. "We've both missed you."

"She misses you too," Ender mutters, blinking his dark blue eyes at his father. Ender starts talking to his mother and Pavel can't tell what she's responding and can't feel her presence like he used to but he's glad she's there. He listens carefully to everything Ender says and can't contribute but enjoys listening.

"She wants me to tell you something," Ender mutters. "She says she loves you and she's proud of the job you've done raising me." He pauses for a second, looking like he's tearing up. "She said she couldn't have asked for a better father for her son and-" Ender sniffs and wipes his eyes. "And that she wants you to be happy and move on."

Pavel looks up at where Ciara should be and swallows uncomfortably. "I love you, my dear. Thank you. I'm trying my hardest."

"She said she loves you too." Ender looks over at Pavel then back over. "Where'd she go? She just disappeared…"

"Your mother has always been a very free spirited person. She comes and goes as she pleases. She'll probably be back again. She won't leave without a proper goodbye."

"This is weird," Ender pouts.

Pavel sighs and tries to hide his sadness. He didn't know how Ender would react but he was hoping he'd be a bit more glad to meet his mother, not just pass it off as a general weird occurrence. He suggests Ender gets some sleep and the boy knows his father is emotional in one way or another and he just does what he says. Pavel says goodnight and tells Ender he loves him and he gets quiet 'goodnight' but he figures it's better than nothing.

In the morning, Ender doesn't seem to get up for school and Pavel knocks on his door, knowing he has to leave in twenty minutes. Ender mutters something about not going to school and Pavel said he knows. He asks if he can open the door and Ender says 'fine' reluctantly and Pavel goes in.

"I have work today. You'll be alright by yourself, right?" Ender looks up at him, surprised his father isn't telling him he's meant to be at school. "There's food in the fridge and just don't leave the house, okay? I'll be back before 4:00 but you should be fine until then right?"

Ender nods. "What if she comes back?"

"Talk to her, she's not going to hurt you. You have my number if anything happens."

"Okay," Ender mutters. "See you."

Pavel says goodbye quietly and closes the door. He trusts Ender not to do anything stupid but worries about how he'd react if his mother returned. He looks towards the photo of her as he takes his keys from the kitchen bench.

"I miss you," he mumbles, walking out the door.

Work is quiet again but Pavel kind of likes it that way. The admin building where he fills out his reports when he's not actively fixing something is tranquil and the women who work there are polite towards Pavel. They appreciate someone who doesn't treat them like they're secretaries, more like they're senior officers. They figure it's because he's been through Starfleet and is expected to be polite and respectful but if anything it's just because he's a nice person. He works away at his desk and gets a substantial amount of work done compared to their previous employee. Pavel's manager thanks him and asks how long he was an engineer in Starfleet for. When he admits it was only for a few days the manager is fairly short and says Pavel must be a genius. Genius isn't a term Pavel's heard in a while but he appreciates it. He can't help but miss the days when people were impressed by his intelligence in relation to his age.

In the afternoon, Pavel gets a message from Ender and as soon as his phone buzzes he's nervous.

'She's back.' - E.C.

Pavel frowns and wonders why she's appeared again all of a sudden. He wonders if there's some kind of duty or purpose that she has in being back, something that he's not realising perhaps. He feels like he has some serious thinking to do but messages back his son.

'Are you alright?' He messages back, knowing his son should reply soon. He taps his foot impatiently, hoping that Ender will handle having a ghost around a little better than he did. He wonders if he needs to look into therapy for his son but figures that Ender would decide against it.

'I guess.' – E.C

Pavel sighs. He was hoping for an answer a little less vague but his son seems to be nothing but vague at the moment.

'Need me to come home?'

'I'll be fine.' – E.C

Pavel puts his phone down and frowns not really sure what to do.

"You got girl problems, buddy?" Pavel looks up and it's an older co-worker. The IT guy, Pavel thinks.

"It's my son actually," Pavel grins, trying to move away from talking about women. "Teenagers, right?"

"Tell me about it, I have three of them. Two twins and an older brother. They're trouble, always sneaking out and trying to take the car. You get that too?"

"No, he's a quiet one," Pavel smiles. He has no idea how he'd deal with Ender if he snuck out or was rebellious in any sense of the word. He feels like he'd start having nervous break downs or never let Ender out of his sight.

"You're lucky," the guy laughs. "They can be a whole lot of trouble if they want to be. I'm Cowan."

Pavel introduces himself and shakes Cowan's hand. He takes a seat next to Pavel and they start talking. He's glad to feel like he has a friend, even for a while. Pavel hopes that they get to know each other a little better. He needs someone to talk to other than himself and the occasional word from his son. He misses having Sulu and Scotty to talk to. He messages them but it just isn't the same as getting to see them all the time.

Ender's not in his room when he gets home. Pavel has a look around and he can't find him, starting to panic a little. He starts calling out and his voice grows with his panic. He checks his own bedroom and the kitchen but can't find him anywhere. He goes back into Ender's room and checks the cupboard and under the bed but no one's there and he pulls his phone shakily from his pocket, calling his son. He doesn't pick up and Pavel feels like his internal organs are failing. Ender runs and checks the house again. He calls out for his son again and he feels a little like he can't breathe properly. He tells himself to calm down and he rings again, still getting nothing. He doesn't know of any friends Ender has and he can't think of anywhere, in particular, he'd like to go. Pavel walks outside the house and has a look around the street, still seeing nothing. He asks the neighbours and they can't offer him anything more than sympathetic looks. Pavel checks the house one more time before locking it up and running down the street. He checks a few places, the park, the library, the store. He can't find anything and can feel tears pricking at his eyes.

Pavel goes past another park and he spots two teens, one of which he thinks could be his son. He moves closer towards them and recognises that one of them is Ender.

"Ender!" Pavel calls out, moving at a speed he didn't think he really could. His son stands up, seeing his father and Pavel wraps himself around him. Pavel can't breathe and Ender can't either, feeling like he's getting crushed between the arms of his father.

"Dad, can you not," he mutters, pulling away.

Pavel's lost for words and he just looks at his son, a little speechless. "Where did you… What are you… Don't you ever do that to me ever again!" Pavel suddenly finds himself really quite irritated. "If you ever leave the house without telling me again, or without picking up your phone, I swear I will put a lock on your door."

Pavel suddenly starts paying attention to the person Ender's with and notices that she's a girl. He looks at Ender with a slightly questioning look but doesn't comment on it.

"We're leaving," he mutters, giving him son a stern look, something he hasn't done in what seems like forever.

Ender doesn't protest, he says goodbye gently to the girl and they leave. Pavel feels too out of breath to talk and they enter the house quietly.

"What the hell were you doing?" Pavel says angrily, throwing his hands up. "Why would you do that, I told you not to leave the house. You didn't even message or call me, what was going through your head?"

Ender looks down but says nothing.

"Well? I want an answer, Ender. You don't even talk to me anymore, the least you can give me is an explanation."

"I don't want to," he mutters, pushing his blond hair from his eyes and walking towards his room. Pavel stands there in shock for a few seconds and then follows him.

"Why are you shutting me out, Ender. I'm trying to help you, I'm trying to be a good father and you just don't even talk to me anymore… Did I do something wrong?"

The tone of hurt in Pavel's voice makes Ender stop and he stands there, not moving.

"I hate it here. I thought I hated space but here isn't any better. I just… I don't know where I belong anymore. I'm just another piece of flesh wondering meaninglessly in this universe and I don't have any idea how I'm supposed to function for the rest of my life."

Pavel sighs. "You don't have to know what you're doing. You don't need to belong somewhere. It's not a place you belong too, Ender. It's the people around you. It took me a while to understand that. If you think you'd be happier back in space, we can go back. I don't mind. I just want to do what's best for you."

Ender nods. "I don't know. I won't go yet. I need more time to think."

"Who was the girl?"

Ender looks up. "No one."

"Ender."

There's a pause. "She's from school. I just. I think she's cool."

"Does that mean you like her?"

"I didn't say that I-"

Pavel gives him a look and Ender doesn't finish his sentence. "You should have her over or something, just don't go running off and sneaking out because of a girl."

"It wasn't because of her. Mum told me to go to the park."

Pavel's mouth opens a little. He nods but doesn't say anything. He figures his lover has some kind of plan in place and decides not to question it. "Just call me next time," he mutters. Ender nods and Pavel goes back into the kitchen.

A few days later Pavel comes home and the girl's there again. They're watching a movie on the couch and Pavel's a little annoyed his son was alone in the house with a girl without saying anything but he decides to address it later. He finds some food and isn't really sure what to do with himself. He feels alone now that his son's starting to get a life of his own and he misses the days where his son was younger. He thinks about what would happen if he had another baby and he realises that it isn't entirely impossible. Ciara would still have more eggs left and he'd be able to have the baby the same way Ender was born. Pavel's thirty-six and figures it wouldn't be too late for him to have a newborn. He looks across at Ender and figures he wouldn't take it too well. He wishes that he'd thought of having another child a few years prior.

Pavel video calls Sulu, who apparently has a surprise. Pavel isn't sure what to expect but a young girl isn't one of them. She looks about nine and Pavel grins in excitement when he introduces her. Ben's in the background smiling and Pavel can't help but look warmly at their family. He knows Sulu would be a great father and he can't stop beaming at them all. The girl's name is Demora and she's pretty and full of smiles. Pavel congratulates them and spends a while catching Sulu up on everything that happened with Ender. He decides to tell him that Ender has started seeing his mother and Sulu's a little surprised that Pavel isn't. Sulu asks if he's glad he's not the one seeing her and Pavel doesn't have an honest answer.

"I still miss Ciara," he says quietly. "But it got hard when she was with me."

"You said her name," Sulu points out. He hasn't heard Pavel use her name since she died and he didn't even think his friend could say it.

Pavel nods. "I'm starting to get better with it. I can say her name now, sometimes." He shoots Sulu a weak smile "I still miss her as much as I did then. I thought I'd be better over the years but…"

"I know I asked you this before and it didn't go down well but… Do you think you'll ever try dating again?"

"Ender told me she wants me to. I just don't know if I could."

"I know you pretty well Pavel and if anything, I'd say there's always room in your heart for more. I don't think I've ever seen someone love anyone as much as you loved her and as much as you love Ender."

"Thank you," Pavel says gently. He talks to Sulu for a while longer but has too much on his mind to continue. He misses having Sulu around all the time.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Pavel comes back to the kitchen and he looks across at Ender and the girl. Their faces are incredibly close to one another and Pavel raises an eyebrow at them. He fills a glass with water and looks back over at them and they start kissing. He nearly chokes on his water and he has to leave the kitchen so he doesn't freak out. He sits on his bed and starts realising his son is growing up. He feels more like an adult than he ever has and he doesn't know what to do. He lies down and stares at the ceiling, wishing he was back in space where there were less teenage girls and less for him to worry about.

Ender and the girl are in the kitchen when Pavel finally manages to remove himself from his bedroom.

"You didn't introduce me," Pavel smiles, trying to be polite.

"Oh," Ender mutters. "This is Nadie."

"Nice to meet you," she says politely.

"I'm Pavel," he says, shaking her hand.

"Nadie isn't a Russian name is it?" Pavel asks, half joking. He knew a few Nadie's when he lived back in Russia.

"Yeah actually," she laughs. "My mother and father are both Russian."

Pavel instantly switches to Russian, asking her if she speaks the language. She responds in flawless Russian and Pavel grins, glad to be speaking his mother tongue in what seems like the first time in forever. Ender understands but doesn't really contribute. Pavel knows his son's Russian is a little substandard if anything. He can understand but can't structure replies well. Pavel tries to get Ender to contribute in Russian but it doesn't happen and he hopes that Ender will try to improve Russian if he's around this girl more.

Nadie stays for dinner and Pavel gets to know her a little more. She's really nice and seemingly quite intelligent too. Ender stays quiet as usual and sticks with English. Pavel thinks bilingualism would be good for his son but knows he can't force it.

As soon as Nadia's left the house Pavel looks at Ender.

"You kissed?"

Ender's face goes a few shades whiter but he doesn't say anything. "You saw that…?"

Pavel smirks a little. "That was your first kiss, wasn't it?"

"Well, yeah but…"

Pavel grins at Ender. "Look after her, okay?"

Nadie spends more and more time around the house and Pavel's just glad that his son wants to keep going to school. He starts hearing more Russian from his son which is also a good thing and he's glad Nadie is a good influence. He walks past them kissing or cuddled up together and it makes him a little uncomfortable for a reason he can't quite explain. It feels like so long since he last was around any kind of affection. He misses affection more than anything and he's surprised he's reacting so badly to it. He tries to ignore it but seems to be a reasonably frequent thing he's facing.

Pavel creates a rule that Nadie and Ender aren't allowed in Ender's room alone together and if anything, it's for his own peace of mind. Ender doesn't protest, something Pavel's grateful for. He loves his son but he feels like he's not dealing with the fact he's growing up very well. He looks over at his photo of Ciara sometimes, hoping for some sort of guidance. It never comes.

Ender's report comes out and his grades are less than Pavel expected. He knows his son is smart and he knows he should be doing significantly better. He sits Ender down and puts the report on the table.

"It's disappointing Ender. You're not even trying. You're a smart guy, you should be doing significantly better than this."

"I just don't like studying."

"You're going to improve your grades."

"Or what?" Ender scoffs, not used to his father pushing authority on them.

"Or you're not seeing Nadie. It's simple Ender. I'm not kidding either."

Ender's mouth falls open a little and he stands up. "You can't do that," he stammers, not really sure what else to say.

"I was also told I couldn't join Starfleet at age fourteen but I studied and look how that went. I'm not kidding Ender, this isn't a joke to me. I've been fair with you your whole life. Very loose with everything. I'm not letting you get substandard grades because you're too lazy."

Ender leaves the table and pushes over a chair in the process. Pavel opens his mouth in shock and only gets angrier as Ender slams his door. Pavel sinks into the chair beside the one Ender knocked down and he puts his head onto the table. He thought he was raising Ender well, he thought he gave Ender his passion for learning and taught him to be gentle. Ender keeps lashing out at him and getting angry for reasons Pavel isn't sure of. He's trying to be loving and helpful and open to his son but it's hard and he feels like he's getting nowhere. He looks back to Ciara.

"What am I going to do?" he asks quietly. He doesn't get an answer but he doesn't expect one. He starts thinking about what he can do and an idea starts forming in his head.

"I want you to pack a bag, we're leaving in half an hour."

"Leaving? Where?"

"You'll see, pack something to sleep in too, we might need it."

"What the hell is going on?"

"Ender, pack a bag."

Ender doesn't have the energy to argue and Pavel's glad he's not getting more attitude. He finishes packing his own bag and starts looking at cheap hotels on his PADD. He feels a rush of excitement and shoves a piece of toast into his mouth. His foot is tapping excitedly, something that always used to annoy Kirk a little. He'd apologise but would forget quite quickly and not even realise what he was doing. Pavel calls out to Ender and asks if he's ready but doesn't get a very loud reply. Ender comes into the kitchen with a bag and a solemn expression on his face and Pavel grins at him.

"Ready?"

Ender frowns. 'That's the spirit,' Pavel mumbles to himself, ushering his son into the car. Ender is quiet for most of the trip. He figures his father won't answer any of his questions so he spends a little time messaging Nadie. He doesn't really know how to answer her questions either. He has no idea how long he'll be gone for but tells her he'll probably be back soon. Ender wonders if he's going back into space and asks his father, worried that it could be a long while without him seeing Nadie. His father answers no but doesn't elaborate. Ender leans back in his seat and puts his headphones in.

A few hours pass and Pavel stops the car at a rest stop. They eat lunch in relative silence and Pavel is more content than usual. He missed adventures and spontaneity, something Starfleet always gave him a lot of. He went on less away missions once Ender was born but he didn't mind back then. Being at the console was an adventure in itself. There were a few times when he feared for his life but back then, it was those times when he'd never felt more alive. He lifts some nachos into his mouth and tries to pull himself back to reality. He spends a lot more time in the past than he does in the future, he realises. He also spends a lot of time in the moments that don't exist. Like imagining his wedding with Ciara or imagining the three of them as a family. He goes back to the two of them waking up on Christmas, only with one more person there with him. He misses Ciara as much as he did back then and sinks back into his chair a little. Ender looks up at him and can't help what's going through his father's head. He has noticed his father's mood swings. Ever since they left space he's been discontent. Ender feels to blame but doesn't say anything. He feels like his father's a lot stronger than he'll ever be.

Ender falls asleep in the car and Pavel doesn't notice for a long while. Ender became quiet over time, something Pavel understands. He was born quiet and eventually grew out of it. He misses loud Ender, something he thought he'd never admit. He pulls over for a few minutes and finds himself in tears he can't explain. He thinks everything has finally caught up with him, Ender growing up, leaving the ship, feeling alone. He spends a little while just sitting quietly, he wipes his eyes with his sleeves and checks to make sure that his son is asleep. He leans back and slows his breathing, something that has helped him calm down over the years. He starts the car up again and Ender sits up.

"Why are we stopping?"

"Just tying my shoe," Pavel quickly lies, he pulls back out onto the road and dries his eyes, hoping Ender doesn't see. He does but says nothing. He thinks some things are best left unsaid.

Pavel finally arrives at a hotel he booked earlier that morning and Ender raises an eyebrow.

"San Francisco?"

Pavel nods and takes his room key. They put their bags down in the room and as soon as their luggage is down Pavel drags Ender back out. They walk through the street and Ender knows that his father has somewhere in mind. He walks reasonably fast and keeps his hands in his pockets and his eyes ahead of him. Ender asks where they're going and gets the same answer as he did earlier that day. He frowns and keeps following his determined father.

"Starfleet? Dad, come on, I've been here before."

"We aren't there yet," Pavel mutters, feeling eager and getting a rush of anticipation. He keeps walking through the campus he still remembers so well. Even after all his years spent training and all his adventures in Starfleet, he still feels as excited as he did at his first day at the academy. Ender seems bored but keeps following him.

Pavel stops and Ender looks confusedly at his father.

"When I was six, my father had a conference here and he brought me along. As we were walking I saw this bridge and I just stopped. I saw this bridge, I saw the students walking around the campus, some alien some not. I looked up at the sky and saw a shuttle craft taking off and I knew, I knew that this very place, in front of this bridge was exactly was where I was meant to be. I studied as much as I could and I spent all my time dreaming about the day where I would come here as a student. I was fourteen when I finally got that letter. I was fourteen and it was like everything in the universe was mine. I was unstoppable. When I was back here after the mission with the Romulans, I was here, I was looking at this bridge. I turned around and I saw the most beautiful woman I had seen in my entire life. I saw your mother and I just knew that I'd see her again, I knew she was going to be a part of my life in some way or another, even if she was just going to be a friend. What I'm trying to get to here is, I came to Starfleet because I was passionate. I cared so much about this place and it gave me drive and purpose. I'm not telling you to join Starfleet, I'm telling you to find what you're passionate about. Find something to chase after and to get you up in the morning. Just find something you care about, okay?"

Pavel finishes quietly and Ender looks at him sadly. He sighs and sits down on the grass. He puts his head into his knees.

"I'm sorry for dragging you here, it seemed like a better idea this morning. We'll stay the night and go back in the morning. Just give me a few minutes."

There's a silence for a while and Pavel hears the grass next to him move. He knows his eyes are watering so he doesn't look up but he finds comfort in knowing his son is beside him. Pavel doesn't know why he's upset again but he thinks it's the bridge.

"I applied to Starfleet last week," Ender mutters. Pavel looks up. "I didn't want to tell you because I was scared they'd reject me but they liked my thesis on xenolinguistics and how there's a connection between all the languages in the word classes. They said I've been shortlisted."

Pavel's mouth falls open a little. "Ender…"

He wraps himself around his son and feels himself crying a little more.

"I'm proud of you," he manages to splutter, laughing a little. "I'm so happy for you." He's sobbing a little too and Ender smiles at him weakly. "Ender? Are you crying too?"

Pavel notices that Ender has tears in the corner of his eyes and Ender hurriedly wipes them away. Pavel hugs Ender once again but this time his son hugs back, sniffing as he does so. Pavel sobs a little and tightens around his son.

"I've been a bad son," Ender mutters. "I've been so unfair to you. I'm so sorry."

Pavel expected after his talk he'd get a reassurance Ender would keep his grades up but not something like this. He gently loosens his grip on Ender and smiles.

"Xenolinguistics?"

Ender grins and it seems like the first time in ages Pavel has seen him smile.

"What about navigating?" Pavel laughs. "What happened to wanting to follow in your dad's footsteps?"

"It's still Starfleet," he mutters, rolling his eyes a little. "I just, just think I'm more suited to language than physics."

"I should have noticed, it was the only class you didn't get a B- in."

"I was working on my thesis, I didn't have time for study. My thesis was fifty thousand words. It took me forever."

"Mine was seventy thousand," Pavel laughs, sending his son a grin.

They laugh and look over at the Golden Gate Bridge, smiling a little to themselves. It's quiet and peaceful and they feel healed if anything.

"She's here," Ender mutters, shuffling back uncomfortably.

"Thank you, Ciara," Pavel mutters. He has a feeling she was the one who convinced Ender to apply and that put the idea of San Francisco in his head.

"She told me I should join Starfleet," Ender mutters. "I knew it was the right thing. I figured maybe I missed being in space. Maybe we both belong there…"

There's a silence for a while and Ender seems to be listening. He nods along and looks up at where she should be.

"Wait, no… What? No!" Ender stands up and Pavel follows, unsure what's happening.

"Ender?" Pavel asks, placing a hand on his shoulder. "She's… she's going." His face saddens and he starts muttering incoherently. "You can't… Please don't go, don't leave me!"

Ender steps forward and closes his eyes. He looks like he's hugging thin air but Pavel knows his mother is holding him for the first time. He feels like the air is leaving his lungs and he looks at them gently, wishing she was really here to be with them.

Pavel closes his eyes and he can feel her hand on his cheek. It's her hand, he can tell. There's a gently press against his cheek, then again against his forehead. He opens his eyes gently and al he can see is the Golden gate bridge. Pavel sinks back to the ground and lets a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"She's… gone." Ender sits down quietly.

"Your mother is a free spirit, she's completed what she came here for."

"Papa…" Ender says quietly. Pavel looks over at him, he hasn't been called Papa since Ender was a child. "I never got to tell her that I love her."

"She knows," Pavel says quietly. "She knows."

"Papa?" Ender says again. "I love you."

Pavel holds Ender one more time. "I love you too, Ender. I love you wherever you go or whatever you do. I love you."

(A/N)

Not gonna lie again, I think I cried writing this part too. Hope you enjoy.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Ender has seen his father nervous quite a few times but never to the same extent as when Ender stands with his bags near the shuttlecraft heading for San Francisco. He keeps one hand constantly on his engagement ring and he keeps closing his eyes and taking deep breaths. Ender's sixteen and not as young as his father was when he was in the same position but Pavel still sees parts of himself in his son. He's scared for him, happy for him and mildly anxious.

"Dad," Ender says gently. Pavel looks up. "I'll be fine. You'll be fine."

"Yeah, ah, I'm sorry. I'm just…" He doesn't finish the sentence but Ender understands. "I'm going to miss you. Please keep in contact. Don't forget me, okay?"

"I would never forget you," Ender says honestly.

A commanding officer calls everyone to start boarding the shuttle and Ender smiles at his father.

"I'll see you again soon. And I will message you, I promise."

Pavel smiles and hugs his son. They haven't been perfect since Ciara disappeared again. They've been better but not perfect. Pavel has his hands on his son's shoulder and he smiles one last time. "Be good, okay." Ender nods. He moves away from his father and turns around just before getting into the shuttle craft. He waves and Pavel waves back, smiling warmly at his son, who is now on his own adventure.

Three days after Ender leaves for the academy, Pavel is set to return back to space. Scotty's the only one who knows and he's promised to keep it a secret from the bridge crew. He's most excited to meet Sulu and his daughter. He gets beamed up and his mouth hurts from grinning within seconds of returning to the Enterprise. He wraps his arms around Scotty and laughs happily, glad to finally be back home. It feels a little weird without Ender, but he figures he'll be back soon enough. Scotty comms Kirk and tells him he better come down to the transport bay. Kirk seems concerned until he spots Pavel. He breaks out in a massive grin and wraps his arms around Pavel, rustling a hand through his curly hair. Kirk looks a lot older and so does Scotty the more Pavel thinks about it. He wonders if he looks any older. He feels a lot older, a lot more mature too.

Sulu is in his quarters when Pavel returns. He knocks gently at his door and hears some shuffling around before it opens.

"Pavel?! Pavel! Oh my God, Pavel!"

Sulu nearly knocks Pavel to the floor in a bone-crushing hug. The Russian grins and can feel his eyes welling up with tears. He hasn't felt this content in a long while and he has to wipe some happy tears from his eyes. Sulu does the same and pulls him inside, introducing him to Demora. Ben's still working and Pavel promises to catch up with him later on. He doesn't have many other people to visit. He has McCoy but Spock and Uhura settled down just after Pavel moved away with Ender. McCoy seems happy to see Pavel as well. He rolls his eyes sarcastically, what Pavel considers as a friendly gesture from the doctor. McCoy has remarried, something which Pavel didn't expect. Pavel shakes his hand and pulls him into a hug. The doctor's honestly happy to see Pavel again, he had a feeling he would. Pavel belongs in space and he belongs in amongst the crew.

Pavel spends a while in the rec room with Sulu and Kirk, updating them on everything. He tells them about coming to Starfleet with Ender and how everything seemed to smooth over after that. He tells them about Ender going into xenolinguistics and even though it's not navigating he couldn't be prouder or happier. Pavel misses his son but he feels fulfilled and ridiculously happy. One part of him wonders if it will last.

Kirk gives Pavel a smaller room than he had before, which makes sense considering it was him and Ender back then. Pavel doesn't mind. He knows he won't have a roommate either, which is also fine. He feels less alone despite not having Ender. He sends him a few messages and lies down on his bed, looking at the ceiling. He smiles a little, feeling like he floating, which he technically is. He closes his eyes and breathes slowly. The soft blankets and pillows seem so much better than he remembered. He feels himself falling asleep and he's still in his uniform but he doesn't care, he's never been happier.

Ciara appears in Pavel's dream, which is something he kind of expected. She dances with him, something Pavel loves beyond explanation. She tells him she's happy and that they'll meet again someday. Pavel has a feeling it's the last time they'll see one another in this life. She holds him gently and looks deeply into his eyes.

"I want you to find someone Pavel, I want you to be happy too."

Pavel smiles but doesn't say anything, he can't in his dream but he doesn't need to. He wakes up feeling a little different. He can't explain it either. He likes it though, he figures.

Back at his console, Pavel feels king. Like the universe is at his hands again and with Sulu beside him, he feels unstoppable again. He gives a gentle smile to his pilot, hoping that he's thinking the same thing. Sulu's glad to have his best friend by his side. The bridge really wasn't the same without him, as clichéd as it sounds. Kirk breaks out into a grin when Pavel calls out 'captain on the bridge!' Sulu can't help but smile either. There's something pure about Chekov that he's always liked. He thinks his enthusiasm is a part of it.

Ender keeps his promise to stay in contact with his father. He ended things with Nadie a while before starting Starfleet, something Pavel was a little disappointed about. They broke up after Ender finding out about Starfleet. Neither of them were interested in long distance, something Pavel can understand. There are a lot of nice girls at the Academy, Ender mentions. None of whom are quite his age but he figures he's too busy for a girlfriend anyway. Pavel's glad his son is busy and doing something he loves. He tries not to get too nostalgic about his academy days. He knows his son will enjoy Starfleet as much as he did and he tries not to consider what would happen if he ended up on a different ship.

Pavel spends a lot of time down in engineering and tells Scotty about working as a maintenance worker and spending all his time fixing escalators and deep fryers. Scotty scoffs at the thought, telling Pavel that any engineer under his guidance would be capable of much greater things. Pavel rolls his eyes but doesn't disagree. Scotty talks about working in maintenance part time in middle school, fixing automatic doors and comm systems. Pavel didn't work until Starfleet but kind of wishes he had. He was probably busy enough without working but some disposable income would have been nice, he figures. He helps Scotty lift a wall panel back into place and holds it while he drills it back into the wall.

For a reason he isn't entirely sure of, Pavel ends up telling Scotty about the dream with his Ciara and her encounter with Ender. Scotty wants to introduce him to a few women in engineering but Pavel declines. He makes a joke about probably not having talked to another girl since Ciara and Scotty looks at him as though it's not at all untrue. Pavel hopes Scotty thinks nothing more of it until the next time he's in engineering when Scotty pairs him to fix a shuttle craft with a woman his age. He shoots Scotty his 'I know what you're up to' look but the Scotsman just grins back at him.

The woman Pavel works with seems nice but Pavel finds it a little hard to talk to her. It's not her fault, she's kind and responsive and converses well but Pavel finds himself too shy to say much. He tries to talk with her but it just feels strange for him talking to another woman. He tries to think about how he went about talking to Ciara but the thing is, he didn't have any kind of method. Talking to her was like breathing or walking or mathematics, an effortless second nature. He just knew how to talk to her and it was never as forced as Pavel feels trying to communicate in engineering. He finishes the shuttle with her and tells Scotty he's leaving early. Scotty knows he's just leaving before he can be introduced to anyone else.

Pavel finds himself lingering a lot on the woman in engineering. Not so much the woman herself but how he handled the situation. One part of him keeps saying he's not going to find anyone but he can't help but hope. He likes the idea of falling in love again. A lot. He wants to try again but he just feels a little uneasy. He hopes it'll pass once he actually starts talking to people more again.

After a few more attempts to talk to the woman in engineering, Pavel concludes he's getting slowly better. Slowly being the operative term. He tries again with a different woman later in a rec room and it goes a bit more smoothly. He isn't trying to flirt with her and he's firm in the belief that he'll know as soon as he meets the right woman. He talks about a few physics theories and politics with the woman in the rec room and it's nice. Just friendly and easy. She's alien somehow but Pavel has no idea which species. She's intelligent though and has an amazing understanding of the universe. He admires that in people, open-mindedness. He figures that why he liked Sulu so much. He just seemed open to any kinds of ideas and at the time that was exactly what Pavel needed.


	8. Chapter 8

Time passes slowly for Pavel, almost like it always did. It reminds him of when Ender was young and when things were simple. He feels like he was very lucky with Ender, things were really good for them for a long period of time. He misses when he used to sit on his lap at the console and occasionally press buttons when Pavel told him. It was such an uncomplicated time and although things weren't perfect, he feels like he took it for granted. He smiles at the thought, spacing out from the console in front of him.

"Pav?"

Pavel looks up, seeing Sulu's smirking face staring back at him.

"Yeah?"

"You okay there?"

He nods in response and smiles. Sulu's getting used to his friend getting a little dazed or a little nostalgic. Pavel goes back to his work and the two are pretty quiet for the rest of the shift. They go back to the rec room afterwards and Pavel plays chess with Demora. She's not as good as either of her fathers but impressive for her age. Pavel whispers to her a few of his tricks but makes sure Sulu doesn't hear. He always had a slight advantage over his friend and one part of him still doesn't want to lose it. Sulu rolls his eyes when Demora beats him in the next round. He can't help but grin a little at Pavel and rustle the hair of his daughter.

Pavel's asked to go on away mission and considering he hasn't been on one since Ender was young, he agrees enthusiactically. He doesn't know many details yet but tells Ender about it in a message. Ender takes longer to reply closer to block exams, something Pavel expects. He hopes his son is working hard and not going to all the exam parties like his roommate did. He tells Ender he's thinking of him and goes to bed, dreaming of the away mission.

Kirk sends Pavel more detail about the away mission and he smiles at the file, skimming through it. It's an inhabited planet, known for its unorthodox engineering practises. Scotty has mentioned it a few times but neither of them have ever been there. The planet has limited vegetation, meaning limited oxygen as well. They'll need masks but otherwise it should be a reasonably easy and safe mission. Scotty talks to him about it in engineering and apparently, they have a potential warp core upgrade that could increase the efficiency of the dilithium. It could be quite a breakthrough if it works on federation ships and Starfleet seems quite interested in it. Pavel probably won't be doing much other than inspecting but he's still excited. He listens to Scotty going through the specifications of it. A few things seem to have changed since Pavel last worked in engineering. The federation seems to be more focused on improving their technology than they previously were. Pavel likes the idea, glad to feel as much of a part of the engineering sector as he does the bridge.

The away mission is a lot more underwhelming than Pavel expects. They beam down to the surface, meet with a few people and walk around a few different engineering bays. They spend some time studying and looking at the structures but decisions based on information sharing are left entirely to the captain and a few other senior officers that Pavel barely knows. He's back on the ship only a few hours after leaving and he's a little disappointed by it. He was hoping for a little adventure after what seems like a very emotional period in his life. He tells himself he should go on a holiday in the holodeck for a few hours but goes back to engineering to finish his report.

Eventually. Pavel does go to the holodeck for a two-hour holiday and he chooses a warm beach. The water is crystal clear and so freakishly realistic. He can feel the sun on his back and the crisp cool of the water. Little fishes swim around him and he sighs, glad to be away from his thoughts for a while. He submerges himself underwater and stays there a while, going up for breath only when he has to. He swims for what seems like ages and snorkels around some rock pools. It takes him back to a family trip/shore leave with Ender on Klarinus Eighteen, just before Ender turned ten. They snorkelled around looking at the alien fishes and got badly sunburnt but enjoyed every second of it. He finds himself about to call out to Ender to show him what looks like an octopus and stingray hybrid but he quickly remembering he is alone. The warm water suddenly seems less warm and he wonders if he's suffering through some sort of separation anxiety. Ender is always on his mind and he's always worried about him. He asks Bones about it later when he's finished on the holodeck and the doctor brushes it off quite quickly. He doesn't want Pavel to get anxiety over the fact that he has anxiety so he says nothing, knowing that there's a good chance Pavel is not dealing well without his son.

For a while after exam block, messages from Ender seem slow but it doesn't take Pavel long to find out why. He looks at Ender's social media, where he finds the relationship status listed as 'in a relationship.' Ender gets a long stream of messages about it, none of which he replies to. Pavel persists until he does get a reply.

'Her name is Camilla.'

'Is she your girlfriend?'

'Yeah.'

Pavel sighs, for a linguistics major, he's not awfully expressive with words.

'Are you going to tell me about her?'

'She's intelligent, kind, a little extroverted. She's gorgeous. I like her, a lot.'

Pavel sighs again. He hoped his son would be less vague but figures someone a little extroverted might be good for him. He asks a few more questions about Camilla, only getting brief responses for all of them. He remembers when Ender was young and wouldn't shut up for more than a period of about thirty seconds. He always had a question or would hum to himself but now Pavel's lucky to get a full sentence from him. He wonders if it was something he caused. He was always pretty quiet and he considers that he could have passed in onto his son. He asks Ender for a photo of Camilla but it never comes. He doesn't like his son being secretive, it just makes him more anxious.

Pavel tells Sulu that Ender has a girlfriend and that he's being vague about her. Sulu thinks it's normal. He didn't tell his parents about any of his partners until towards his graduation. Sulu's words comfort Pavel. He's glad to know his son isn't acting weird by being vague about his girlfriend. Sulu wonders what Demora will be like when she's a teenager. Pavel tells him just to enjoy it whilst she's still young.


	9. Chapter 9

McCoy calls Pavel into medbay for a physical and they talk a little in the process. McCoy doesn't say it but he's still a little worried about Pavel's mental health. He hasn't gone more than a week or two without seeing his son since Ender was born and McCoy can't help but wonder if or when he'll crack. Pavel was used to seeing Ender all day every day for most of his life and McCoy thinks he won't be able to adjust as easily as he thinks he can.

"You missing Ender?" McCoy asks, already knowing the answer. He needs to get a certain conversation starting with Pavel and he needs to do so carefully.

"Dah, of course I am. I miss him like crazy. It's just weird without him…"

"How do you think you're going without him?"

"Better than I expected, I guess. I thought I'd be a lot worse. It hasn't been long though, just over three weeks yes? I might feel differently in a month's time, you know."

McCoy nods. "You know how you were asking me if you had separation anxiety?"

"Yes," Pavel says quietly, a little confused.

"It is possible. I'm worried that you're not going to be able to deal with not having Ender around. Not properly anyway. I know you Pavel and you're a gifted man but you don't handle grief or stress in a healthy way. I think you're going to start needing to consult with someone as time passes."

Pavel nods, he knows better than to argue. "I feel like I'm alright with though. So far, at least. He's on my mind a lot, I won't deny that but isn't that normal for a parent?"

"Yes but I'm worried you're not looking after yourself. You're too busy focusing on him. Have you been sleeping and eating properly? In all honesty?"

Pavel bites his lip. He hasn't slept as much and he finds himself forgetting to eat a lot more than he should. He's lost a little weight as well. McCoy gives him his 'I told you so' look and puts his PADD down. He offers Pavel a few tablets for sleep and Pavel takes them, telling himself he'll get himself back on track.

With some effort, Pavel manages to get himself into a slightly healthier routine. He eats and sleeps better, mainly in an effort show McCoy he doesn't need therapy. He tells himself he's fine without his son, that he can manage his own life and it's harder than he expected. He feels a lot more alone without his son around and he misses having someone to talk to, even if they don't respond much.

After a rough patch in space, the ship gets shaken up a little and Pavel finds his room quite disarranged. He isn't overly bothered by it until he finds his little shrine to Ciara on the floor. The picture frame her photo is in is cracked and the xenocrystals Ender collected as a child are on the floor, scattered into smaller broken pieces. He leans down to gather them up and finds his hands shaking a little bit. He picks up the pieces and collects them in his hand, re-erecting the photo when he finishes. He finds himself tearing up and he doesn't know why, looking at the photo and the broken crystals. He replicates a glass bowl and places all the crystals into them, sighing to himself. He replicates another frame and gently takes Ciara's picture from the broken one. He looks at the picture for a while and tells himself that he's fine. He doesn't know if he believes it or not.

Pavel's on the bridge when a message pops up from Ender. He looks at it and reads through it, frowning a little. The message is in Russian, something Pavel would never expect from his son. It's a simple message, just saying he's finished his exams for the term but Pavel can't shake the feeling something is wrong. He messages back asking why he's using Russian and gets a response saying that his lecturer told him to practise. Pavel's glad his son is finally interested in Russian even if it took over a decade and a half. He replies in Russian and goes back to his console, looking out into space.

"Ender?" Sulu asks, a sly grin on his face.

Pavel nods. "He's using Russian for the first time ever. I'm so used to him replying in English. It's kind of weird, really."

Sulu smirks. "I never spoke to my parents in Japanese. I only replied in English. My Japanese is still pretty terrible."

Pavel smiles weakly, "I'm glad you're here to stop me from stressing out over stupid things."

"Hey, I'm the same with Demora. Kids make you a little irrational."

"You're right there," Pavel mutters, turning back towards the viewing screen. He thought after so many years he'd get sick of looking at the stars but it's not a thought that's ever crossed his mind. He doubts it ever will. There's something beautiful about tiny little lights twinkling in the vast blackness. Galaxies floating past his windows, stars just beyond they glass and metal of the Enterprise. He finds it quite beautiful.

Ender continues messaging his father in Russian on a regular basis. Pavel enjoys it a lot more than he thought he would. He asks again for a picture of Camilla but Ender seems to ignore the request. Pavel asks again and Ender eventually caves. The photo is the two of them, obviously taken by her. Camilla is gorgeous, just as Ender had described. She has stunning green eyes and short black hair. She contrasts well against Ender's blonde curls and Pavel smiles fondly at the photo. He's glad his son is happy.

A few days later, Pavel shows Sulu the photo of Ender and Camilla and they grin at it. Sulu reckons Ender looks a lot older than from when he last saw him. He asks if Ender has kissed a girl before and Pavel nods, telling him about Nadie. He mentions he saw them kissing and Sulu laughs, knowing Pavel wouldn't be used to affection.

"At least you're not around them now. You could walk in on things a lot worse than just kissing."

"Oh god," Pavel mutters, realising his sixteen year old son would be completely unsupervised with a girl. "What have I done? I've left him on another planet with a girl and he's…"

Sulu can see his friend freaking out a little and pats his back gently. "Pavel, Ender isn't stupid. He's not going to do anything crazy. He'll be fine."

"He won't be fine, what if he gets her pregnant?"

"He won't get her pregnant, Pavel. Have you given him the talk yet?"

"The talk?"

"You know, STI's, contraception, that sort of thing."

Pavel looks at him, concerned and a little on edge. Sulu tells him he worries too much but Pavel feels no more at ease. He takes his PADD and quickly starts composing a message to Ender. He uses English instead of Russian in the fear of misconveying something. He simply asks if his son is being safe and he gets a question mark in response.

"You're being safe, yes? With Camilla. You're looking after yourself and looking after her, aren't you."

Ender still doesn't really get what his father's trying to tell him and Pavel just gives up and goes for a more direct route.

"You're using or planning to use contraception, right?"

There's a pause between the next response and he get back "Seriously dad…."

"Please tell me you're thinking of these things. I don't want grandchildren yet. Just please don't get her pregnant."

"I won't get her pregnant, we're not even doing anything. Please can we not talk about this."

Pavel sighs and feels like he can't really do much more. He's glad that they're not starting anything yet. He isn't entirely sure how he'd deal if Ender had said otherwise but he tries not to think about it.

"Just be safe, okay."

Pavel can basically feel his son rolls his eyes through the screen but Ender reassures he will. He looks across to Sulu, still with a gentle grin. He has his 'I told you so' look again. Pavel rolls his eyes a little and Sulu claps him gently on the shoulder. He asks when the last time Pavel had a drink was. Pavel says too long.

A half bottle of scotch later, Pavel finds himself a little more drunk than he wanted to be. He blames Sulu. He kept topping up Pavel's glass but never his own. Sulu's still pretty sober but his Russian friend is fairly out of it. He's laying on the floor beside Sulu, a little dizzy but grinning like an idiot.

"You know, I haven't gotten laid in seventeen years. Seventeen _years_ , Mister Sulu."

Sulu laughs at the formalities his drunk friend is using. The last time he was drunk he kept using 'Mister Sulu' too.

"Jesus, Pavel. Seventeen years? I think I'd explode. We need to find you someone."

"Ay, it's not like that. I don't even care about sex anymore. I just want someone to love. I don't want to feel this alone forever."

Sulu frowns at the sudden dejected tone in Pavel's voice. Pavel doesn't always show when he's sad, something that worried Sulu for a long time. Even with Ciara around as a ghost, Pavel was a lot worse mentally than he said he was. He would brush everything off as nothing or tell people he was fine. He worries that Pavel's doing the same thing now, seeming like he's fine but hiding everything else. Sulu fills his drink again in the hopes he can find out what's really on his mind.

"You're not going to be alone forever. You'll find someone Pavel. I know you're nervous but I don't think you need to be."

"What if I can't love her like I loved Ciara? What if I never truly get over Ciara? And what about Ender? What he gets assigned to another ship? How am I going to cope with that? What if something happens and I can't be there? Jesus, I'm scared."

Sulu sits Pavel up and puts his arm around him, helping him to the couch. "There's so much on your mind Pavel, why didn't you ever tell me? You can talk to me you know, you don't have to bottle things up or brush them off."

"Ay, I know but I don't like talking about these things. Maybe I'm just drunk enough to now…"

"I'll have to get you drunk more often then."

Pavel laughs, taking another sip. He honestly doesn't think it's a bad idea but doesn't want to start relying on alcohol to feel better. He messages Ender when Sulu's in the bathroom and through Pavel's bad spelling and half Russian almost incoherent mess, Ender picks up that his father isn't functioning as he normally does. Ender asks what's wrong and Pavel tells him he's had a little too much to drink. Ender hasn't even seen his father tipsy before and he's not really sure how to react. He asks if he's okay and Pavel replies honestly; that he's got a lot on his mind and that he doesn't think he's dealing with them well. Ender's not used to his father admitting he's struggling either but he's glad he is.

"You know you can talk to me, dad. I'm closed off you to you sometimes but it doesn't mean you have to be closed off to me. I do care about you."

Pavel feels himself tearing up a little and he knows it's probably the alcohol but he lowers his PADD for a few seconds to wipe his eyes. Sulu's in the kitchen looking at him and Pavel gives him a weak smile in return. Sulu goes to ask if he's okay but doesn't, knowing the answer.

"Talking to Ender?"

Pavel sniffs and nods, sitting up. He goes into the kitchen and gets himself a drink of water, figuring he should go to sleep before he gets more emotional. He tells Sulu he's going to bed and apologises for the night. Sulu tells him he'll check on him in the morning and Pavel nods, thanking him quietly.


End file.
